I've had a few "But... why?" from folks who don't know me well, or haven't for long, and I get that surrogacy isn't common, but let me tell you a thing:
NO MATTER HOW A WOMAN CHOOSES TO HAVE A FAMILY IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BEESWAX "WHY".
If someone has decided to adopt, use a surrogate or dress their dogs in clothing and push them around in a stroller and feed them from a bottle, guess what - she has a potential fertility issue - and it's PAINFUL to talk about. So, smile and say congratulations on her beautiful family.
But since I am not adopting, and while I have dogs, they're unclothed and eat from bowls on the floor, this post is going to be about what surrogacy actually entails, okay?
Let's begin by addressing some of THE most commonly asked questions:
1. "So... did your husband have sex with the other woman?"
Now, It would be one thing if this question came from a fairly young person or an elderly person. But no. I have been asked this from educated men and women in the 30-55 age bracket. People who are actual parents and a couple grandparents. I marvel these people even get themselves dressed daily.
No. My husband has sex with me and only me. Our baby was conceived in a Petri dish in a lab under a microscope. Super sexy stuff, right there. 5 days later, the most stable embryo of the bunch was placed via catheter into the womb of my friend.
2. "How do you know she will let you adopt her baby?"
Well, the baby isn't hers. At all. The eggs used to make our embryos came out of MY OWN OVARIES. WITH A GIANT FUCKING NEEDLE. UP MY VAGINA. So, while she is incubating our munchkin, the baby is 100% genetically ours. A full sibling for our other child.
3. "What if she decides to keep it?"
There isn't a lawyer in all of Canada who would represent her in court.... know why? Because surrogacy doesn't happen by accident. There's a LOT involved, from prescreening blood work for the 4 adults involved (genetic parents and gestational carrier and spouse), psychological evaluation for the 4 of us again, and then an extensive legal consultation resulting in a 32 page CONTRACT that very clearly and in great detail outlines the legal rights of everyone involved. No fertility clinic will even TOUCH you for surrogacy without completing those 3 steps, and in that order.
4. "How do you know your baby will be white?"
I'm sorry... you're too stupid for words. Please lock yourself in a tower and throw away the key.
5. "What's going to stop the surrogate from bonding with the baby?"
Nothing at all. I would expect her to bond to the baby on some level. But the baby isn't hers and it's not like it ever has been. The vocabulary has always been "Zig's baby sister" and "Amy's baby". Her children aren't expecting a new baby to come home from the hospital with mom. They know and have always known this baby belongs to us. And yes, she has her own family - she's not looking to steal mine.
6. "What's in it for her?"
Nothing financial. It's illegal to pay a surrogate in Canada. That said, we have covered all pregnancy related costs - vitamins, transportation to appointments and childcare for those appointments, maternity clothing, massage appointments, fitness classes, etc. But all she is "getting out of it" is the personal satisfaction of having helped an infertile couple have the family they've always dreamed of. Not all heroes are in it for the sack of gold, you know.
And one last mind bender -
7. "Won't she want to keep the baby after it lives with her for the first few weeks?"
I don't even know WHY the person who asked me this thinks the baby will live with her for any amount of time ever. My second daughter will be delivered into my arms, not hers. We will take her straight home from the hospital. If, for whatever reason, she needs to stay at the hospital for any reason, she will be taken to her own room/space, and not left with the surrogate while she recovers from delivery... she will also NOT be leaving my sight. Ever.
While our surrogate is a close friend of mine and not a random stranger I was matched with through an agency (yeah, they exist... avoid them if at all possible), we have agreed to a period following delivery without contact. She will need time to regroup and get back to her normal daily routine and life with her family. I will need time to establish a strong bond between my new daughter and the rest of her family. I actually intend to do a fair bit of hibernation with my newborn, as she's due in the winter. We will stay indoors and get to know one another in quiet solitude.
In conclusion - If you know any one using a surrogate to complete their family, please don't ask them any of the STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS I've mentioned in my list. Congratulate them, buy them a gift for the baby, and move along.
Thanks!!
