Surrogacy for the Masses

So, like my last post about chest surgery, this one will obviously also only pertain to a small population of people - but it is for educational purposes based on my personal experiences, because there's a lot of unbelievably stupid questions coming my way since announcing our pregnancy via surrogate on social media.

I've had a few "But... why?" from folks who don't know me well, or haven't for long, and I get that surrogacy isn't common, but let me tell you a thing:

NO MATTER HOW A WOMAN CHOOSES TO HAVE A FAMILY IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BEESWAX "WHY".

If someone has decided to adopt, use a surrogate or dress their dogs in clothing and push them around in a stroller and feed them from a bottle, guess what - she has a potential fertility issue - and it's PAINFUL to talk about.  So, smile and say congratulations on her beautiful family.

But since I am not adopting, and while I have dogs, they're unclothed and eat from bowls on the floor, this post is going to be about what surrogacy actually entails, okay?

Let's begin by addressing some of THE most commonly asked questions:

1. "So... did your husband have sex with the other woman?"

Now, It would be one thing if this question came from a fairly young person or an elderly person.  But no.  I have been asked this from educated men and women in the 30-55 age bracket.  People who are actual parents and a couple grandparents.  I marvel these people even get themselves dressed daily.

No.  My husband has sex with me and only me.  Our baby was conceived in a Petri dish in a lab under a microscope.  Super sexy stuff, right there.  5 days later, the most stable embryo of the bunch was placed via catheter into the womb of my friend.

2. "How do you know she will let you adopt her baby?"

Well, the baby isn't hers.  At all.  The eggs used to make our embryos came out of MY OWN OVARIES.  WITH A GIANT FUCKING NEEDLE.  UP MY VAGINA.  So, while she is incubating our munchkin, the baby is 100% genetically ours.  A full sibling for our other child.

3. "What if she decides to keep it?"

There isn't a lawyer in all of Canada who would represent her in court.... know why?  Because surrogacy doesn't happen by accident.  There's a LOT involved, from prescreening blood work for the 4 adults involved (genetic parents and gestational carrier and spouse), psychological evaluation for the 4 of us again, and then an extensive legal consultation resulting in a 32 page CONTRACT that very clearly and in great detail outlines the legal rights of everyone involved.  No fertility clinic will even TOUCH you for surrogacy without completing those 3 steps, and in that order.

4. "How do you know your baby will be white?"

I'm sorry... you're too stupid for words.  Please lock yourself in a tower and throw away the key.

5. "What's going to stop the surrogate from bonding with the baby?"

Nothing at all.  I would expect her to bond to the baby on some level.  But the baby isn't hers and it's not like it ever has been.  The vocabulary has always been "Zig's baby sister" and "Amy's baby".  Her children aren't expecting a new baby to come home from the hospital with mom.  They know and have always known this baby belongs to us.  And yes, she has her own family - she's not looking to steal mine.

6. "What's in it for her?"

Nothing financial.  It's illegal to pay a surrogate in Canada.  That said, we have covered all pregnancy related costs - vitamins, transportation to appointments and childcare for those appointments, maternity clothing, massage appointments, fitness classes, etc.  But all she is "getting out of it" is the personal satisfaction of having helped an infertile couple have the family they've always dreamed of.  Not all heroes are in it for the sack of gold, you know.

And one last mind bender - 

7. "Won't she want to keep the baby after it lives with her for the first few weeks?"

I don't even know WHY the person who asked me this thinks the baby will live with her for any amount of time ever.  My second daughter will be delivered into my arms, not hers.  We will take her straight home from the hospital.  If, for whatever reason, she needs to stay at the hospital for any reason, she will be taken to her own room/space, and not left with the surrogate while she recovers from delivery... she will also NOT be leaving my sight.  Ever.

While our surrogate is a close friend of mine and not a random stranger I was matched with through an agency (yeah, they exist... avoid them if at all possible), we have agreed to a period following delivery without contact.  She will need time to regroup and get back to her normal daily routine and life with her family.  I will need time to establish a strong bond between my new daughter and the rest of her family.  I actually intend to do a fair bit of hibernation with my newborn, as she's due in the winter.  We will stay indoors and get to know one another in quiet solitude.

In conclusion - If you know any one using a surrogate to complete their family, please don't ask them any of the STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS I've mentioned in my list.  Congratulate them, buy them a gift for the baby, and move along.  

Thanks!!

Ouch! My Aching Boobs!

So, I recently had a breast reduction.  Before my consultation with the surgeon, I googled like a MoFo everything I could think of.  Then after my consultation, I was armed with a bit of information and I googled further.  Now, 10 days post-op... I'm still googling.  So I decided to compile a very useful list of Shit You Never Knew You Needed to Know to prepare you for breast related surgery.

Now comes the disclaimer.  This information is based on my personal experiences.  Things I wanted to know.  Things I learned the hard way.  Things I found out after the fact.  Things I wish I had found on a handy dandy website in list form.

1. Wax Your Armpits before surgery.  I didn't... I shaved.  And now, 10 days later, when I'm still unable to lift my arms or touch my armpits at all... I wish I had waxed.  It's itchy.  It's sweaty.  It's stinky.  Seriously.  This is the number one thing I wish someone had told me... because you can't go back.  You can't wax them afterward.  You're stuck in armpitland. 

2. Get Aerosol Deodorant.  You can't rub jack shit on your underarms if you can't lift your arms to get at them.  Also, you can't rub jack shit on your underarms when they feel as if they've been beaten with a baseball bat.  You just can't.  So gingerly move your elbow outward and spray deodorant on what you can access without pain.

3. Front Closing Shirts!  This I found on someone else's blog... I tried to find it again, but failed.  Apologies if it was yours.  If you're like me, and wear jeans and T-shirts every day, you haven't got an abundance of anything that does up in the front.  Except hoodies!  But I went to Old Navy during a sale and bought 4 lightweight hoodies as well as brought my thicker warmer ones with me (oh... I recouped at my mom's house away from the husband, kid and dogs... for my own sanity and safety).  So find some front closing tops you like for cheap and stock up... you're gonna be in them for a long time.

4. Compression Bra!!!!!  Post surgery, you're gonna be in a bra 24hrs a day for 6 weeks.  Invest in comfortable, breathable compression bras.  You don't want ANY jiggling happening... it's painful.  If you can find ones that do up in the front, even better.  I couldn't.  But they cannot go on over your head... that is out of the question, folks.  And if, like me, you have the kind that does up in the back, you will need someone handy to get you in and out of it... you will be weeks before you can reach behind your back for anything.  (I still need someone to hike up my pants in the back... lucky me.)  Sizing is a decent question to which I couldn't find an acceptable answer.  I bought ones with my band size and one cup size bigger than I planned to be reduced to... to allow for swelling.  Turns out I got the exact right size for compression and comfort during my recovery.

5. PILLOWS!!!  You have to sleep sitting practically upright for the first couple of days... you'll need a mountain of pillows behind you and around you to support your back and arms.  This is going to be painful anyway on your hips... unless you cushion your tailbone.  I didn't.  Wish I had.  Then, once you're able to comfortably lie on your back, you still need at least 4 pillows to be comfortable.  One under the head, one on either side of you for under your arms from shoulder to wrist and one under your knees to help your lower back.  So if you're lucky enough to share your bed with a loved one... kick them out.  You need ALL the room.

6. Pain Relief Secrets.  I was prescribed Tylenol 3 for the pain.  Well, that's just handy, except there is less acetaminophen (the pain relieving part) in T3's than in extra strength Tylenol.  The extra ingredients in T3's is to help knock you out, since sleep is your best friend for recovery.  Except that many folks, me included, experience insomnia-like symptoms from meds designed to knock you out.  If it says "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS" on the bottle, it's guaranteed to keep me up all night... so I was awake and in pain, because T3's only have 325mg of acetaminophen each instead of the 500mg each in extra strength Tylenol.  Also, T3's are so constipating you'll wanna die.  You're better off skipping the prescription pain meds (unless your doctor gives you something more powerful than T3's) and going straight to 2 extra strength Tylenol.  Your boobs and bowels will thank you.  If you're going to stick to the prescribed plan, then buy stool softeners.

7. It's Hip to be square.  Before you're left unattended for ANY amount of time, make sure the following is put at hip level and within your reach (again, you cannot move your arms much at all):  All of your Meds.  2-3 drinking glasses, 2 plates, a bowl, cutlery, and non refrigerated snack foods.  You should be able to get at most stuff in the front of the fridge... so move whatever you'll need to the front before you're left on your own.  Otherwise you'll be awfully hungry by the time loved ones return.  Also, on the bathroom counter, put extra toilet tissue rolls just in case... because you can't reach jack shit under the sink or on top of the linen closet.

8. Maxi Pads to the Rescue!!  If you're pre-menopausal, at some point during your recovery you will menstruate.  If you don't already use maxi pads, you're going to want to for this time.  The angle required to insert a tampon or menstrual cup is practically impossible.  Plus, my surgeon told me to stick panty-liners in my bra to cover my incisions while they heal.  I would recommend the cotton covered ones... they breathe. 

9. MOVIES!!!  Boredom sets in pretty fast.  Make sure you have a list of movies you've been wanting to watch and have them on hand.  And set up mini dates with friends who can come by to visit between naps.  You need something to look forward to each day, and getting out isn't easy.  I'm still unable to drive for another few days, and even then, cannot drive on the highway for another week or more.

10. NAP.  Frequently.  Your body needs the rest.  Don't go back to work too soon (I'm off for 4 weeks minimum.... I will let my boss know after my 4 week check up with the surgeon what he says and how I feel).  You have just undergone a major physical trauma.... treat it as such.  You've been cut open, emptied out, and reassembled.  Just because you can sit at a computer or chat on the phone for a couple of hours without being exhausted, you're exhausting your body.  Let it rest.  Go to bed.  Sleep and heal.

So... good luck!  Best wishes!  I hope your new boobs are as adorable as mine.  I hope your recovery goes that tiny bit more smoothly than mine because you've been armed with these useful tips! 

~Amazingly Amy